An Advance Review of Neil Patrick Harris’s Upcoming Memoir, As It Exists in My Dreams

Neil Patrick Harris is writing a memoir! In addition to all of the thoughtfulness, warmth, and encouragement that I’m sure we can expect, here’s what I’m hoping to see:

  • The admission that he actually is Dr. Horrible—NPH is just an alias he created
  • Much like a musical greeting card, when you open to page 37, NPH sings The Hunger Games.
  • Flirtatious magic tricks (How did you get that flower behind my ear, NPH? You’re not even in the room!)
  • The ‘Challenge Accepted’ Bingo Card: complete four in a row and you win a prize!
  • A definitive ranking of every cereal from best to worst, excluding the ones that change the color of the milk because that’s messed up
  • A photo diary chronicling his Month in a Suit. Suits on the beach! Suits go to Disney World! Etc.
  • A list of all the kids’ shows he likes more than his kids do
  • There is an alternate universe in which he is Kelly Ripa’s new cohost. I expect detailed instructions on how to get there.
  • An audio tape of NPH tap dancing his bucket list in Morse code
  • A think piece on the serious differences between Gregory House and Doogie Howser
  • Pluto: In Memoriam
  • A photo diary chronicling his equally successful Month in Footie Pajamas. Footies at the Emmys!
  • A puppet show, captured flip-book style
  • Chapter 17: “If ‘Call Me Maybe’ were a Broadway musical, it would look like this chapter”
  • A scathing expose of the worst high-fives he’s ever had
  • An explanation of LOST in 10 words or fewer
  • Three pages written entirely in different permutations of Barney Stinson catchphrases
  • Neil Patrick Harris on Sports

Your move, NPH.

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