DWTS Week 1 Results Recap: Yes, Ma’am

Announcer: This is Dancing With the Stars.

Tom: Yes, it is!

America, sad news. You can’t buy those bedazzled pink leopard-print suspenders. You’ll have to steal them from Apolo’s home. I don’t condone breaking and entering, but I do condone befriending Olympians and asking for presents.

What a night! Sabrina and Louis were unintentionally but cruelly faked out, the Biebs brought tears, Chelsie learned geography, and the all-stars told us a little more about what brought them back to the show. Surprisingly, nobody said they came back for the robots.

Is there any other reason to come back? It’s the Glow Stick Transformer—black sheep of the Transformer family, kicked out because he doesn’t wanna ruin Shia LaBeouf’s life. He just wants to make people dance.

And I just want to watch people dance. Does someone really have to leave? They all love it here! I was hoping they’d all get to stay together for a few weeks before we had to start kicking people off Sequin Island. It took a while to dawn on me that eliminations are coming for all but one of them, and a lot of good dancers will go soon. This results show was essentially my prolonged journey toward acceptance, told through the medium of neon lights and meaningful montages.

But if someone must go, tonight’s elimination was expected. Pamela Anderson and her partner Tristan MacManus were sent home. And by “home,” I mean they’re going to his place in Ireland for a romantic getaway.

All that glitters:

Joey and Kym were cute, swapping out studio portraits in their matching track suits. It was like watching a deleted scene from Juno.

Mark says Derek is like his brother. Shawn married Mark’s BROTHER? That’s like dance inbreeding.

I think Drew’s scared of Anna. He calls her “ma’am.”

Kelly and Val are so together that they can patty cake without looking. They’re going to have the cutest kids.

“I say we’re the hot ones…which already makes us comedians.”

What is Joey doing to get extra half-points from Bruno?!!

Kirstie, age 4: “B**ch, I am not waiting until I am 12 to get pointe shoes!” That’s exactly what I thought at age 4—I just didn’t have the vocabulary to express it.

Come, gather with us on the floor.

Let’s talk it out. Was anyone surprised by Pamela’s exit? Just how harsh was the Sabrina Bryan fake out? And what does the shiny robot mean for our futures?

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