As of last week, I’ve officially started The X-Files. A friend told me recently that the show left her and her roommate curled up in the fetal position all evening, too sad to move, then followed that up with, “We’re going to make you start watching.” I only watch shows make people want to ruin other people’s lives. That same friend insists that she’s never spent more time yelling “MAKE OUT” at a TV screen, and I can already see why. I’ve been missing out on so much. I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long. I’m here now, yelling at my TV with the rest of you. Let’s watch the definitive will-they-won’t-they crime-solvers not make out.
Times Mulder and Scully should have made out in this week’s batch of episodes:
- People keep turning up dead or unhinged, and they’ve each got two spots on their lower backs. Scully shows up on Mulder’s hotel doorstop because she can feel two spots on her lower back, and she needs him to check it out. To reiterate, LOWER. BACK. It’s the part of the body that’s very easy to cover with a shirt and then selectively reveal by just barely lifting up the shirt, but if you’re Dana Scully and have nothing to hide and are already wildly attracted to your new partner, then sure, drop your robe for science.
There are two missed opportunities here: The first is when Mulder clearly wants to touch his lips to those mosquito bites (“mosquito bites.” I’m not convinced). The second is when she spins around in relief and buries her little robed body in his arms.
- Mulder says, “You and I are going to the spud state.”
- Mulder reveals that he knows things about the Green Bay Packers.
- Scully trades her pantsuit for a stylish oversize chambray shirt. Her sleeve-rolling game is on point.
- Oh hey.
- Mulder reaches out in the midst of sheepishly thanking Scully for respecting his process and straightens her necklace, and it doesn’t even break his train of thought, and she doesn’t say a word about it, because casual touching is already casual.
- Scully asks her old academy classmate if he’s doing what it takes to climb the ladder, then says she can’t wait ’til he falls and lands on his ass. (Mulder wasn’t there for that, but he should have been and they should have made out.)
- Mulder says “Okobogee” from a totally normal distance.
- Mulder misses his sister and could really use some comfort.
“The Jersey Devil”
- Scully turns down her date to join Mulder at the Smithsonian, and he teases her and asks if she has a life. That life would be you, Mulder.
- Mulder tries this line: “I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation.”
- Mulder gets fingerprints on his glasses, then wraps his arm around Scully to fog up his glasses and show them to her, as you do.
“Ghost in the Machine”
- There should just be general end-of-days making out because it’s 1993 and computers are taking over the world.
- There’s a worm in the water in Alaska. It burrows into people and makes them violent, and it leaves Scully and Mulder’s team of investigators unable to trust each other, taking every sign of stress and fatigue as a possible indicator of infection. Everyone but Scully is quick to throw Mulder under the bus when he seems to be getting violent. They find a cure—introduce a second worm into the host, and the two kill each other—but Scully can’t do that to Mulder unless she’s sure, so she locks herself in a room with him, because she’d rather risk getting hurt than risk hurting him. Which I don’t know how to move forward from.
Scully examines Mulder, which obviously requires tearing his shirt and massaging his neck, and after she smiles a cute little relieved smile, he grabs her collar and does the same to her. IT’S SO INTIMATE. I mean they are PAINFULLY COZY. Their chemistry is not of this earth. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER ALREADY. THEY COULD JUST HOLD HANDS AND THAT WOULD BE NICE. I WANT TO BELIEVE.
I’m assuming this is only like a 3 out of 10 on the scale of life-ruining Mulder-Scully moments, and already it’s the only thing I want to think about. I can’t deal with this. You’re all terrible people for introducing me to this show. I don’t know how to thank you.